On being OK with being a beginner
Turns out, I mostly just like being good at things.
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That’s me, interviewing Atlanta Track Club CEO Rich Kenah (and Publix Community Relations Manager Brenda Reid) at the start of the Publix Atlanta Marathon and Half Marathon. Photo by Paul Ward Photography.
While I was in Atlanta last weekend, I was talking with a very lovely woman who was telling me about how she takes dance classes with her daughter.
“I spend all day, every day, making sure I’m good at everything,” she said. “Good at my job, good at being a mom, showing up for everyone in my life.”
Those dance classes, she said, are when she lets herself not try to be the best.
Now, I’m sure she’s a great dancer! I bet she crushes it! The key: She doesn’t care. That’s not the goal.
“It’s the one thing I do that I let myself be bad at.”
Boy has that stuck with me.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and about whether I give myself that sort of grace, whether in day-to-day tasks or in one big area, like a weekly commitment to myself in the form of a dance class or otherwise.
The short answer is a resounding “no.” (Come on, you saw that coming.)
All my life, I’ve strived to be the best. To get the best grades. To graduate at the top of my class. To be the best dancer at the studio, at the competition. To get the solo. To win the school spelling bee. (Cue devastation when I made it to the state spelling bee and was the first one eliminated. “Dismal. D-I-Z-M-A-L. Dismal!”)
And if I’m not striving to be the best, I’m at least striving to be my best. I’m not going to win a race anytime soon, but I’ll give my running my best shot. I’ll show up. I’ll put in the work.
At home, of course I want to be the best mom I can be. The best wife, best companion to Ellie, best salmon bowl maker, best brownie baker, best laundry folder (OK, the last one is easy; no one else is competing for that role in this house, so it’s an automatic victory).
I’m notoriously hard on myself.
Always have been, and let’s be honest, I probably always will be.
It’s not my most endearing quality. I know.
Two days after my conversation with the woman who lets herself “be bad at dance class,” I was part of the broadcast team at the Publix Atlanta Half Marathon.
It was the first time the Atlanta Track Club would be producing its own broadcasts, and as a relative newbie to live television (I’ve been in this role three times over the past two years), they were taking a big chance bringing me in for this. My role as start and finish line commentator meant I would get to do the fun “now let’s throw it to Ali, who’s standing by at the start line with Pete the Peach!” interviews. I’m good at that! I know I am!
I was prepared. I was ready. I was so, so excited.
And as I wrapped my first interview of the morning, I looked directly at the camera and with all the confidence in the world, said, “Chris, Kyle, back to you!”
“Chris, Kyle.”
Chris, as in Chavez, who was calling the race alongside Carrie Tollefson.
Kyle, as in…Merber…who was not in any way part of this event. He was, I think, at home in New York with his wife and daughter.
I’m so used to saying “Chris and Kyle” together, since they work together and I’ve worked with them on 2/3 of my previous live TV jobs, and it just came out of my mouth.
I was mortified. My first interview of the day, and I made a mistake.
Was it a big deal? Not really.
Did I turn it into one in my head?
Oh you bet.
The interview wasn’t live, so I was able to redo the proper toss — “Chris, Carrie, back to you!” — but it threw me off my game before the sun was even up.
And I never fully got it together. I had fun, I really did! But I sort of stumbled through a few things later in the broadcast, and just never felt like I hit my stride. While the broadcast itself was a tremendous success — the coverage was great, Chris and Carrie were total pros, Jay Holder was an A+ producer, the races were fast and exciting to watch — I felt like the weak link on the team, and I successfully convinced myself that everyone else agreed. (I’m a monster. I know!)
[This isn’t your cue to go watch it and tell me I did a good job! My mom already did that, so we’re good! I’m good! I genuinely learned from this, and got really productive feedback on what I did do well and where I can improve. So we’re all going to be OK!]
The full-circle moment came later in the day, when I was sitting at the airport waiting to board my delayed flight, elbow deep in a fresh bag of Mini Oreos.
“It’s OK to be bad at things, but I don’t want to be bad at my job,” I remember thinking.
Then it hit me.
“I’m not bad at this. I have potential! I’m just not great yet.”
I’m a beginner.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like a true beginner at something.
And if I’m being totally honest, it’s not something I enjoy.
I like to skip to the good part, where I’m excelling and I’m confident. Where I’m hitting my stride. Where I know I’ve got this. (Surely this is universal, right? We all like being good at things?)
The Publix Atlanta 5K crew on Saturday morning. Photo by Ben Gross. Not the one from Never Have I Ever.
The takeaway: I’ll keep working at it. I’ll keep studying, I’ll keep refining, I’ll keep finding new ways to be prepared, and hopefully I’ll keep getting experience. And soon, I think I can be really great as a start line, sideline, and finish line commentator. (Hopefully really soon: My next big job is doing this same thing at the Boston Marathon!)
And!
There’s always an and!
What if I gave myself permission to not be the best at something? What if I pursued something just for fun? Not for accolades, not in pursuit of excellence. Not even necessarily to learn a new skill. Just to have fun.
I’ve wanted for years to find an adult dance class where we exclusively learn early 2000s music video choreography.
I secretly love (and am not good at) step aerobics.
I could paint! (Most people say pottery here, but let’s just say I’m no longer welcome near the kiln at my former high school…)
I could join my parents’ pickleball league! (I already have several outfits picked out, all of which my mom said were “a little much — most people just wear leggings or sweatpants.”)
Those all sound fun to me! And I genuinely do not care if I’m good at any of those things (because I won’t be, and that’s OK!).
As for being a beginner, I have some ideas there, too.
I want someone to teach me how to do my makeup, because I’m 37 years old and don’t really know what to buy or how to apply it.
And I want someone to teach me how to curl my hair. I’ve watched all the YouTube videos and tutorials. I want someone to come and physically hold my arms and do it with me until I have mastered the art of the beach wave.
Oh, and I want to go shopping with a stylist. I want someone else to pick out my clothes and tell me what to wear. (So am I beginner, or do I just want to outsource my entire appearance? Hard to say! Let’s go with the former, for the sake of this narrative.)
It all runs the gamut. But I think the best thing for me right now could be to give myself an outlet. A reason to just have fun. Permission to be bad in the best way possible.
(I obviously want to know what you want to try and what you’re pursuing, so hit me up below!)
And thank you, Atlanta Track Club, for having me. I had so, so much fun on this trip! (Self-loathing was not included in my contract. I threw that in for myself as a little bonus. I’m a treat!)
BIG THANKS to All Day Running Co. for sponsoring this edition of the Ali on the Run newsletter. That’s me in Florida, at the All Day Running Co. Clearwater Marathon Festival, rocking my All Day duffel and hat!
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This week on the Ali on the Run Show:
Ask Ali! The first Ask Ali episode of 2023. I cruised through listener questions about podcasting, running, marathon training, parenting, and more.
Ali on the Run Show LIVE at the Atlanta Marathon Weekend with Chris Chavez: Chris and I got to host a live show together at the race expo at the Georgia Aquarium. (The stage was next to the beluga whales! So cool!) This conversation covered everything from our podcast guest wish lists (mine might surprise you) to our worst first dates (Chris’s story will definitely surprise you), and so much more. (This one is for Patreon subscribers.)
Cory McGee, Rabbiting 101: Ever watched a professional track race and wondered why there were certain runners out front controlling the pace and then dropping out (intentionally) around the halfway mark? Pacers — or rabbits — have a very important job on race day, even if it means finishing the event with a “DNF” next to their results. In this conversation, professional New Balance athlete, Olympian, and 1500m specialist Cory McGee returned to the Ali on the Run Show for a Rabbiting 101 lesson. I learned a lot!
On the run: I loved my 15-mile long run last Friday in Atlanta! Chris [Chavez] ran the first 10.5 miles with me. We got lost more than once. Found ourselves in some less than ideal locations at times. The pace got a little hot for me and I had to sheepishly (and breathlessly) ask Chris to “bring it back to Ali pace.” But man, it was nice to do a long run with company! The miles flew by faster than they ever have solo. I spent the majority of this week back in New Hampshire on the treadmill, as the snow and rain continued to destroy my hopes of a dry outdoor run. (I’m so ready for spring.) Next up: 16 miles on tap for today! My longest run since 2016!
And so…
Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other. Be a beginner. Be kinda bad if you want. Thank you so much for being here. And whatever you’re going through, keep going.
Love,
Ali
I've been learning the ukulele for the last 6 months. It's really stretching my brain and it's so good for me.
I very much relate to everything you said and I too am SO hard on myself. Whenever I don’t do something right specifically with my job I dwell on it for days. Last night I had a moment introducing myself to one of the new senior leaders on our team and feeling like an idiot for not recognizing him even tho I had only seen him speak on computer screen and stage. This morning still feeling the shame.
But will tell you what people always tell me - no one is going to die because of the mistake. Also some thing it took me some time to learn - people
who care, once we’ve made a mistake we won’t make it again, failure is the best tool for learning. Sounds super cliche and annoying I know but something I remind myself often and helps.
Like you said, we all start as beginners, everyone had their day 1 doing the exact same thing. If you listened to Nobody Asked Us Des and Kara shared their stories of when they first started race announcing and had similar stories. And let’s face it even the pros make mistakes, there’s no such thing as perfect just progress.
Ok and done with my cheesy/trying to lift you up/what started as me wanting to thank you for being so relatable rant.