On the Power of Adult Friendships

I had the time of my life with you.

Friendships are a gift. Not a given.

I went to Boston.

I went to London.

I celebrated my 40th birthday.

Over the past month, I have experienced some of the highest highs of my life. I have felt happy. Not “the happiest I’ve been in the past two years.” But happy. Period. Compared to nothing. Relative to nothing. Just true, feel-it-in-your-whole-being happy. It has been so nice. So fun! So peaceful. So content. (Content like satisfied, not content like the creator economy.)

I think — I know — it’s because of what’s around me, and who’s around me.

And I know I’m incredibly fortunate to have that and to feel that.

(Launching right into some serious sentimentality this week? You bet! I’m deep in an “I’m obsessed with and grateful for my friends” phase.)

I received a newsletter this week about mom groups and adult female friendships.

I love reading about this topic.

I love girlhood.

I love this time we’re in where we can get together with our girlfriends and be silly and serious and start 400 conversations in a 30-minute span, finishing none of them, delighting in the tangents, snuggling on a couch or over FaceTime. I love that — in spite of our rights being taken away or debated in a way that makes my head spin — we seem to have permission to attempt TikTok dances, to wear matching outfits for 5Ks, to put sparkles on our faces, and to embrace all the things that make us feel happy and joyful.

(This newsletter isn’t about the part about our rights being taken away or debated. I’m not touching that right now. But don’t mistake my omission for ignorance. Oh I’m aware. But this isn’t about The State of Being a Woman in 2025. It’s Adult Friendships. Cool? Cool.)

I love that I know nothing about Joe Rogan, and everything about Giggly Squad.

I love that my mom group chat can alternate effortlessly between “What are your kids wearing for Spring Fling?” and coordinating carpools to heated political discourse.

I love what the Eras tour and the Cowboy Carter tours have done for women.

Today, I watched an Instagram Reel of a woman in a hotel room, dancing full out to “Bet on It” from High School Musical 2, while her husband sat on the bed, watching her and smiling along. She was so fun, and he seemed to enjoy the show — but it wasn’t for him. She just seemed so happy, so comfortable in her own skin, and so comfortable in front of her partner. I loved it so much. (Come for the HSM choreo, stay for the wholesome happy couple content.)

As I scrolled this woman’s newsletter, I quickly realized it was on the topic of toxic adult friendships. A very valid topic. But I took issue with its all-encompassing approach.

The take was along the lines of “adult female friendships look cute on Instagram, but in real life, they’re catty, and competitive, and as soon as one person leaves the room, everyone starts talking about them.”

Oof.

I get it.

I’ve been there.

I’ve done those. I’ve seen them, experienced them, and been in them, in various stages of girlhood and adulthood.

But if I may offer a rebuttal:

Those aren’t female friendships. Those aren’t adult friendships. Those aren’t friendships, period.

The take felt very “this is what it’s really like in those friend groups,” and while that’s true in many, it’s most certainly not true in all.

The weekend of my 40th birthday party, I gave a small toast of appreciation to my closet friends before the party officially started.

I specifically thanked them for being the type of people I can be my fullest self around. I no longer have to worry about being judged, or about being talked about as soon as I leave the room. That didn’t happen overnight. That happened at 40. Maybe a bit before, but it has certainly built to this point, to find those people, to put myself out there with different people, and to stick with what sticks.

My point? As always, 3,000 words in, I’m working on finding it, I swear…

I think it’s that if those are your friendships — the ones from that newsletter — you deserve better.

If you think that’s what’s happening in all adult friend groups, you’re wrong.

Please don’t think that’s “just the way girl groups are.”

There is so much magic in friendship — regardless of gender — as an adult.

But it’s not magic by happenstance.

It’s magic if you’re willing to work at it.

It’s magic if you’re willing to be honest in your relationships — and with yourself. To talk about things. To really, truly communicate. To listen. To learn, to grow, to not take every single thing so damn personally. (Note to you, note to self!)

I see chatter everywhere online about “making friends as an adult.” And I know it’s not easy. It may come easily to some — extroverts, in particular, I imagine.

Adult friendships work if you put in the work.

You have to put yourself out there. That doesn’t mean going out-out. It can be virtual, it can be with a fellow coffee shop regular, in a workout class, at a run club, in a Facebook group, with your kid’s best friend’s parent at Spring Fling. It can mean striking up a conversation with your favorite surgical oncologist or the person who hands you your medal at the finish line (actually, that person is probably busy, but you never know!).

In October 2023, I was flying back from the Chicago Marathon — ORD to MHT — and there was this impossibly chic woman on my flight with two young girls in matching outfits, who were sweet and well-mannered, and did I mention the mom was in heels? I was in awe. Heels on a plane, with children?! Surely a masochist. I meanwhile, was exhausted from the weekend, and from my latest dose of chemotherapy. My hair was falling out by the handful. She wore heels. I was certain we had nothing in common, except having girls roughly the same age.

The next day, I saw that some woman and those two cute girls in the parking lot at my daughter’s school. I walked right up to her and asked, “Were you on a flight from Chicago to Manchester yesterday?!”

We chatted for a few seconds. School pickup only allows for so much conversation.

She is now one of my very best, closest friends. We do girls nights on Thursdays. She still wears heels, insisting they’re “comfortable, I swear!” I’m usually on day three of my favorite sweatpants.

Maybe it’s fate that brings people together. But I think, mostly, it’s effort.

A few people have remarked that I’m “lucky” after getting to share a weekend with so many people I love. And I absolutely, undoubtedly am. I am very, very lucky. That’s never lost on me.

But I also work at it, every day. I don’t always get it right. I forget birthdays and don’t respond to texts for days at a time. But I also try really hard to make an effort.

It’s no longer about “having” to be friends with people because you’re in the same class, on the same sports team, in the same section of the school band.

You get to choose.

So choose wisely.

And never, ever settle for the people who gossip about you when you leave the room.

(My gosh, what a rant. How did we get here? Next week I’ll try to talk about running!)

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This week on the Ali on the Run Show: Thanks for your patience as my posting schedule has been a bit irregular over the past month. It’s been a hectic time, and I’m eager to get back to the regular Tuesday + Thursday uploading schedule. At some point today, you’ll get Emily Oster’s Boston Marathon recap!

Ali elsewhere: Speaking of adult friendships, one of my very first was Brianne Rush. We worked together at Dance Spirit, and we were instant-besties — but our friendship wasn’t without some real hurdles along the way, including when we both put ourselves out their for our dream jobs. Brianne is now helping people transition from college to “the real world,” and she invited me to chat with her about my experience doing that in New York City. You can watch it here.

Listening to: The 40 AF playlist.

Wearing:

• The birthday party dress

• The pink 1985 sweatshirt (I sized way up for a big, baggy fit)

Watching: Nothing good. Help a girl out! You know what I like. Light, fun, rom-com, easy watching. Hit with me a good recommendation.

SPONSOR SHOUT OUTS

I am so grateful for the wonderful brands and partners I get to work with on the Ali on the Run Show. You can always find the offers and discount codes in the show notes for each podcast episode (rate, review, and share while you’re there!). And now they’re here as well:

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And so…

Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other. Put yourself out there. And whatever you’re going through, keep going.

(You’ve got this. You’re doing great.)

Love,

Ali