"Make it Fun" Fatigue

Turns out, I'm feeling burned out.

When I got my stage IV breast cancer diagnosis in May 2025, my crew and I knew we were embarking on a hell of a journey. We knew it would be hard. We knew the uncertainties were many. We knew we’d be buckling up, diving in, hoping for the best, and losing sleep over the worst.

But we were determined to stick with our 2023 mantra: “Cancer, but make it fun!”

And for a while, even on the hardest days of my life, we did it. We made it fun.

My every-three-weeks chemo schedule, which is not inherently fun, has given me opportunities to spend quality time with friends. One-on-one time with friends traveling to New Hampshire to be with me. Uninterrupted time together, melting into the couch, staying up way too late yapping in bed, recording podcast episodes together the morning after.

For as much as I have cried over the past year, I really do think I’ve laughed just as much.

So many of these days have been brutal.

But there was the day Cousin Jackie spent completely enamored by the Dartmouth Hospital bird feeders. The day Conor got up at 4 AM to make us homemade everything bagels, and I woke up to the smell of bacon (which he made for me, even though he does not eat meat). Michael arrived armed with temporary eyebrow tattoos, and after a tough day at the hospital, we stood in my kitchen laughing hysterically and sobbing, worrying about what the future might hold while holding each other. Emily, Jameson, and I went for an epic hike up Mount Osceola before one round of chemo. My college roommate, Dee, came up from Rhode Island, and with the exception of the whole chemo part of the week, we had the best time together. Keira had a flight booked to come out for chemo, but when my treatment schedule shifted, she was down to book flights to Mexico instead, and we had the best trip ever. My local friends — Katie, Sara, and Seema — have arrived at my house when it was still dark outside, armed with my favorite treats, ready for whatever the day threw at us.

It has been undeniable proof that during the worst of times, you can still experience the best of times. That sadness and fear and grief and uncertainty can coexist with unbridled joy. That it’s OK to laugh when your life feels like it’s falling apart.

Lately, though, I’m feeling the “cancer, but make it fun” fatigue.

I still have so many incredible friends volunteering to travel to New Hampshire to accompany me on chemotherapy days.

But I’ve stopped letting anyone book flights. I don’t want people to leave their families, their jobs, their responsibilities at home.

I’ve accepted so much help over the past few years, and I hate that. I want to be the helper. And I have such limited capacity for being that person right now.

Right now, I just want to wake up, go to chemo, get it over with, and come back home.

This week, I had Chemo Round 11.

Eleven rounds of chemotherapy.

I know people do far more. Years more.

But these 11 rounds have been hard for me.

I went into Round 11 with Seema at my side, and I was armed with optimism and positivity. Seema was my support person for Chemo Round 9, which was my best, strongest round.

Remember the first time your baby slept through the night, and so the next day you tried to recreate everything you’d done that day in hopes that it would all work again? That’s how I felt about Round 11. Seema, my good-luck charm!

But Round 11 sucked. (Not Seema’s fault!!!) I felt sick as soon as I walked into the hospital. The hospital smells are immediately triggering, and I felt nauseous before I even checked in.

I spent the whole day doing a ton of self-talk, telling myself I was OK, that I could get through this, that I’ve done this so many times before. This is my eleventh round this time around, but add that to the four rounds from 2023, and I’ve done 15 rounds of chemotherapy.

So I’m just tired. The past few days haven’t been the greatest. The nausea is rough. It’s that constant feeling of, “Will I feel better if I just throw up?” I got out for a slow walk on Wednesday, and I did yoga on Thursday. Not bad, but a far cry from Round 9, when I went for a run the day after chemo!

The steroids have me absolutely ravenous. At 10 AM today, all I could think about was a big bowl of warm, hearty pasta. (As I’m finishing writing this, I just housed a burrito for dinner.) I’m tired, and the hot flashes are frequent.

I’ve gotten good at rallying. Annie’s school drama production was on Wednesday night, and despite feeling so, so bad all day, I managed to put on a sweater and some very wrinkled jeans, and had the best night at the show. (My friends have reassured me that they did not, in fact, see me sweating, though one person on Instagram did comment that I looked “very shiny,” so, mixed feedback!) Annie was amazing. She cried on the drive home because she’s so sad drama is over. She loved it so much, and I loved seeing her do something that brings her so much happiness.

I’m trying to function as “normal,” but my life isn’t normal, and hasn’t been for some time now. I’m not taking it easy, even though everyone is telling me I should. I’m waking up, I’m working, I’m trying to be a great mom — I’m not giving myself any of the grace I’d insist others give themselves.

My next scans got moved up by a week. So on Tuesday, February 24, I’ll be back up at Dartmouth for a PET scan, and I’m admittedly in my head about these scans — my fourth since my initial diagnosis in May.

My last two scans showed incredible improvement. They gave us some best case scenarios, with the visible cancer cells shrinking drastically. That helped when it came to continuing to show up for chemo. The days are hard, but the drugs are working.

Now, I have two great scans in my charts, and I’m worried these upcoming ones won’t be as good. I want, more than anything, to get to No Evidence of Disease (NED). My oncologist explained to me this week that you don’t always get to NED with stage IV. That shrinkage is obviously amazing, but staying the same is OK, too. Growth isn’t great. But staying the same or shrinking are both good outcomes.

I know myself, though.

I want those last few spots to be gone.

So as crummy as I feel right now, I’m telling myself it’s another round of the good drugs making the bad stuff go away.

I don’t know yet if I’ll let a friend accompany me on scan day. I’m feeling a bit stubborn lately (which is so different from normal times). It’s school vacation week in New Hampshire next week (Annie will be with her dad for this break, and with me for April break), so I’m feeling a mix of emotions, including being sad about going a long stretch without seeing Annie, feeling anxious about my scans, and feeling eager to be really productive while everyone’s away.

A lot of words here.

I’m tired of cancer playing such a large role in my everyday life.

I’m sick of existing in three-week chemo cycles.

And next week, we’ll see where I’m at with all of this.

(To be clear: I want this to all still be fun. I don’t want to be a big bummer, and I don’t want to write so much about cancer! But in the spirit of honesty, which is a spirit I love, here we are. Bit of a bummer, lotta cancer talk, but still delusionally optimistic, I promise.)

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This week on the Ali on the Run Show:

• Paul Swangard, Track & Field Analyst & the Voice of Hayward Field: I’m a big Paul Swangard fan. He is a consummate professional, he’s so passionate about the sport, and he’s wonderful to work with. I loved getting to hear more about how he’s made his way in the industry, and you know I’m a sucker for all the behind-the-scenes broadcast stories and “rules!”

Watching:

• Reality Check: Inside America’s Next Top Model (Netflix). I was a pretty serious ANTM fan for several seasons during the show’s heyday, so I was excited for this, but it fell flat for me. I wanted so much more.

The good stuff:

• Valentine’s Day with Annie was the best. Start to finish, a wonderful day.

• Seema and I hosted a Valentine’s Day party, and it was the best. One of my favorite days in recent memory. Any excuse for a party!

• I BEAT MY DAD AT SKI TEAM ON MONDAY NIGHT! I finally did it, fair and square! I skied both of my runs faster than he did. I beat him both without and with our respective handicaps (he gets one for being old; I get one for being old and another one for being just a girl). And I’ll tell ya, no one had a bigger smile when the results came out than David Feller. He even paid a Happy Buck at his Rotary International meeting on Wednesday morning on my behalf. Proud Papa Fell!

• I ran 10 miles over the weekend! It’s amazing how I can feel superhuman one weekend, and then 48 hours later, post-chemo, I am practically a different person. But I’ll take the wins, and a 10-mile run on a sunny Sunday felt like a big gift!

• I recorded a fun episode with Molly Seidel, all about her recent (very impressive!) run at the Black Canyon 100K. Always a good time gabbing with Molly! This one will be out next week.

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SPONSOR SHOUT OUTS

I am so grateful for the wonderful brands and partners I get to work with on the Ali on the Run Show. Supporting them = supporting me!

• Shokz: Click here and use code ALI for $10 off your next purchase.

• Lagoon: Click here to get my favorite pillows (I sleep on the Otter every night), and use code ALI for 15% off.

• New Balance: Click here to shop New Balance’s latest releases for the season.

• Oofos: Click here to check out the new Club+ line. Comfy and supportive = a dream!

And so…

Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other. Be the good. Spread the love.

(You’ve got this. You’re doing great.)

Love,

Ali