Duality

On living with a lot of "yes, and..." lately

Aug 02, 2024

Living for the hope of it all!

This picture is from the start of this year’s Boston 10K, just a few weeks ago. I was the start and finish line announcer, and there I was, on my little (uncovered) stage near the start, ready to send the runners off with a whole lot of love and enthusiasm.

At the exact moment the airhorn sounded to cue the professional athlete start, the sky opened up, and it poured. It didn’t just rain. It was an absolute downpour. The kind of rain that comes down hard and bounces off the ground, drenching everything in its path. And…it was kind of awesome.

Granted, I didn’t have to run it in. (The chafing, I’m sure, was unpleasant.) But it was comical, the timing of it all. I stayed hyped while DJ Chris Capozzi blasted “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga. I made a comment on the mic about having fun with the circumstances, and reminded runners that next year, we’ll all be back at this race joking about how, “Remember last year when it poured on us at the start?” Why not laugh? Why not embrace it?

I looked out at the crowd of 9,000+ runners, and I swear, every runner was smiling. They (you!) were throwing up heart hands as they passed my puddle-filled platform. They were laughing with me. They were leaning in and running on.

I have spent so much of the past year and a half wondering just how low my rock bottom can possibly go. As loved ones and strangers alike have praised me for being “so strong,” most nights, I go to bed alone and I feel sad. I feel lonely a lot. Even on my best days, there’s a hole of some kind, demanding at least a small fraction of my attention and intention.

I’m certainly not sad all the time. My life is filled with special people, meaningful relationships, and the cutest five-year-old girl and eight-year-old dog. I’m lucky, in so many ways, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how fortunate I am to be lonely sometimes, sure, but never truly alone. I have at least three friends who always, without fail, take my call. That’s a gift.

When I stood out there at the Boston 10K start, drenched from head to toe, I somehow felt blissfully happy. In spite of it all, I’m finding more joy in the little moments than I ever did before.

I’m finding happiness in unexpected places. I’m embracing so much of what I used to resist.

I’m living in constant duality. There is a deep ache, and there is tremendous joy. There’s this life that’s not playing out like I wanted or hoped for, and there’s peace. There’s loss, and there’s newness. There’s stress, and there’s hope.

It’s not easy, and when people say I’m “strong,” my gut reaction is always something along the lines of, “What’s the alternative?” (Also, dramatically: “Sure, but I wish I didn’t have to be.”)

The only option, for me — for Annie — is to keep going. It’s hard and it’s messy. It’s a season. Why not jump in some puddles along the way?

(This week’s newsletter — it’s back, yay! — was going to be about different ways to support the Ali on the Run Show. But, just like life lately, it took some detours.)

And so…

Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other. Tell someone you love them today. Thank you so much for being here. And whatever you’re going through, keep going.

Love,

Ali

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