Delusional Optimism vs. Reality
Am I doing myself a disservice by believing everything will always be OK?
Hi, my name is Ali and I’m kind of a bummer.
As I’m sitting down writing this — in the dance studio waiting room while Annie is in her lyrical class — I am just downright bummed.
I should be getting ready to head to Boulder for Boulderthon 2025, a trip months and months and months in the making. We planned this back in the spring, long before Cancer 2.0 became a core part of my life.
I was going to do a live show with Aisha Praught Leer! I was going to be at the Saturday morning shakeout run! I was going to be one of your start and finish line announcers on race day! I was going to get to see so many friends and people I love. And I was going to get to visit Boulder for the first time. Mountain air + loved ones + being a running hype girl + Aisha’s laugh? Forget chemotherapy: This weekend had all the makings of a cure!
But I’m not flying to Colorado today.
Because after noticing some shortness of breath over the past few weeks (not terrible, but mostly when I run, walk, or talk really fast), I got a chest CT this week, which showed that I have five blood clots in my lungs. (I learned that “pulmonary emboli” is the plural of pulmonary embolism, which is fun to say. So there’s that.)
I’m on blood thinners.
I’m not allowed to run for a bit. (After finally getting back on the run this week and being so happy about that.)
And I was explicitly told by multiple doctors not to get on a plane this weekend, and not to spend a few days at altitude. (“How will you know if the shortness of breath is from blood clots or from being at altitude?” one of my favorite doctors rightly asked when I obnoxiously pushed back on her advice and expertise.) (OK it was more of an, “Are you suuuuuure?” than an obnoxious pushback. I respect the expertise! But man, that wasn’t what I wanted to hear less than 48 hours before my flight.)
I talk a lot about my “delusional optimism.”
It’s something I love about myself. I like that I see the bright side. That I like to focus on the rainbows more than the rain. That I have a whole collection of rose-colored glasses that I choose to see the world through. I’m a hopeless romantic, I believe in happy endings, and in spite of all that I’ve lived and seen over the past few years, I do believe that good things happen to good people, and that doing the right thing matters.
But sometimes I wish I were more of a realist.
Because every time I get bad news, it shocks me and rocks my world.
Every time I go in for a test, a scan, or a bunch of bloodwork, I believe everything will be fine. I believe it’s “probably nothing.” I assume everything will be fine.
The reality, though, is that everything isn’t fine right now.
I’m 40 years old, divorced, with stage 4 breast cancer, with blood clots in my lungs, on blood thinners, losing my hair from chemotherapy, and stressed beyond belief.
None of those things define me.
But lately it feels like the things that do — being a mom, all things Ali on the Run, my relationships — are where I’m going through the motions, because the other stuff dominates my days (and nights). (OK, that’s not totally true. Not the being a mom part. That’s the best part, the most important part, my favorite part.)
So I don’t know. Maybe I need to harden up a little. I do therapy with Martha, I cry when I need to cry, and earlier this week I was worked up about something and decided maybe it would feel good to punch something, so I slapped the wall while I was in the shower. (Spoiler: It didn’t feel good, but fortunately I didn’t give it a good enough effort to do damage to either the wall or my hand. Smart or pathetic? Hard to say.)
I won’t be boarding a plane today.
I’ll drop Annie off at school and then I’ll drive up to Dartmouth for a long day of tests. (On tap: an EKG, an echocardiogram, labs, and a DVT scan / test / I don’t know what they call it.)
When you see yourself in one of the magazines in the radiology waiting room!
I’m supposed to get chemotherapy (Round 6!) on Tuesday, but my oncologist wants to pause that until we do more testing, get the results, and discuss. This makes sense, but I had planned out the rest of my year based on “chemo every three weeks,” and now everything shifts. I can’t wrap my head around that yet.
I can’t wrap my head around any of this. I’m so inundated with admin (have I mentioned that?) that I have no time to process any of this. I have spent this entire week doing Cancer & Crohn’s Disease Admin. (Do not recommend. No fun at all!)
My life feels so far out of my control, and as a lifelong Control Freak, I’m not loving it.
(There is still good stuff in my life. So much of it. I’m grateful! You know that. Blah blah blah, I just need to be in a bad mood for a minute before I put my rose-colored glasses back on! Thank you for indulging me.)
How to Help:
OK. I have a lot of feelings about this that I’ll attempt to articulate another time. For now: Cousin Jackie set up a GoFundMe for Annie, Ellie, and me. If you are so inclined, you can click here to read more.
This week on the Ali on the Run Show:
Everything You Need to Know About the 2025 Chicago Marathon: This year’s edition is out, with some new information and interviews as well as some repeat content from year’s past.
Watching:
Nobody Wants This (Netflix): I rewatched this for probably the 10th time, but Season 2 is coming next month, and this series is perfect, and watching it this week made me happy.
The Wrong Paris (Netflix): Ohhhhhh my god, I loved this so much! I’d had a tough day (sensing a theme?) and this was the cutest way to ignore it all. Light, predictable, delightfully cheesy.
The Dawson’s Creek reunion: Didn’t expect to feel as emotional as I did watching clips from this all over Instagram! (Thank you, Caroline!) Dawson’s was such a pivotal show for me, and seeing the cast reunited (and all so gorgeous!) made me feel things!
Excited about:
Ski team 2026! We got our racing team assignments this week, and while I’m devastated not to be on the same team as Ski Team Tom this season, I am psyched that we have an all-women team! How fun!
SPONSOR SHOUT OUTS
I am so grateful for the wonderful brands and partners I get to work with on the Ali on the Run Show. Supporting them = supporting me!
Shokz: Click here and use code ALI for $10 off your next purchase.
Lagoon: Click here and use code ALI at checkout for 15% off your next Lagoon order.
New Balance: Click here to shop New Balance's latest releases for the season.
goodr: Click here and use code ALI for $5 off your next order.
Vuori: Click here for 20% off your first Vuori purchase.
Oofos: Click here to make your feet happy!
And so…
Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other. Be the good.
(You’ve got this. You’re doing great.)
Love,
Ali
I said this over on the gram also - this totally sucks that you have to miss your trip to beautiful Boulder but I am so so glad you did not get on a plane with 5 undiscovered blood clots in your lungs. In times when it feels like (or it literally is happening) the shit just keeps coming and either I can’t get my head above water or it’s always two steps forward and one step back, I think about a wise comment from a wise person I don’t know: “The time is going to pass anyway.” I can spend that time totally stressed or angry, or I can spend it full of rainbows and butterflies, or I can spend it in acceptance and realism and confidence that everything will be okay eventually. Not always right away and not always exactly how I want it to be, but okay nonetheless. If sunny optimism is your default mode, do it. You know it won’t change anything out of your control, which is like basically everything you’re going through, but the time is going to pass anyway and staying true to who you are will keep your nervous system, your heart, and your mind in its natural state. It’s the controllable you can control. But *maybe* think of your optimism as a spectrum of feelings and being okay and feeling okay is a part of being optimistic. Okay is not the same as perfect and best case scenario, but it’s also not shitty, awful, everything is terrible. Can you find pockets of okay in the midst of the crap? My oncology nurse told me to always look for the good news within the bad because it’s always there, even if the good news is just okay news. The good news is that you did not get on a plane to spend a weekend at altitude with untreated pulmonary emboli. That could be fatal, and not dying is always good news. The sucky news is that you’re missing out on a super fun weekend and you deserve super fun things despite everything else because life always goes on. The time passes anyway. You aren’t asking me for my advice and this very parasocial relationshipy comment has become very long lol but it’s my nature to want to help so here you go. And I know you’ve said in the past that you don’t feel like a Taurus even though you are one, but I am also a Taurus and part of our bull character is to want to push through things and to hold firmly to one mindset, even if it’s not serving us well. We can always reframe things for ourselves. You are a natural optimist and you can pour that energy into embracing the realism of okay. Also, thanks for letting Cousin Jackie start the go fund me and letting us help you in this way. All hands on your back, Ali 🫶🏻🩷
I said this on Instagram, but I think it’s worth repeating:
Thank you for giving us a way to feel like we’re helping. We just want to help and wish we could fix it. Asking for help is such a gift to the giver. WE are grateful to have a tangible thing to do for you. So thank you for sharing this. You’ve got this. You’re doing great. We’re all rooting for you, HARD.